after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
