I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
