Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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