i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
