I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
