I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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