Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
