Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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