What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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