you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
