Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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