So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
