I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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