her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
