he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
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Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
How does it feel to date your dad?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
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