I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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