he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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