Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Betty ford says i'm here all night
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
