Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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