I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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