I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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