I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
