Got a toothbrush?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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