I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
