I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I want her autograph on my taint
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize
