It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
