During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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