i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
