cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
