Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
