Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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