Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You're a disaster
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