went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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