when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
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