I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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