since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
