remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
wanna go halves on a baby?
worst night to have a conscience
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
