i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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