Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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