Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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