Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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