You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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