HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
