I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
