I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
