last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
