So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
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we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
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If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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