I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Randomize
