So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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