No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
