I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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