So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
