there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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