He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
