Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
The power of my boobs compel you
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Randomize
