Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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