I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
