So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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